DeepLake

서현이 친구와 엄마들과 만나 저녁을 먹다가 아빠들도 같이 불러서 삼겹살파티를 하게 됐다.
몇일전부터 몸살에 시달리던 나는 상태가 영 안 좋았지만, 서현이를 친구들과 놀게 해주기 위해서
결국 아침부터 저녁까지 있어야 했다.

그중 내가 젊고 이쁘다고 (물론 "그중"이지만) 항상 부러워하던 엄마가 있었는데, 그 아빠는
식사내내 아내가 아직도 소녀같고 이쁘다고 따뜻한 눈빛을 보냈는데, 그 엄마가 그렇게 부러울수가 없었다.
여자의 부러움을 사는 여자는...  이쁘거나 몸매가 좋거나 똑똑하거나 돈이 많은것도 있겠지만,
무엇보다도 그 옆에 같이 있는 남자의 사랑을 받는 여자라는 것을 다시 느꼈다...

좋아해주는 사람이 아무리 많으면/많았으면 뭐할까.. 당장 내옆에서 나를 사랑해주는 단 한사람이 중요한 건데..
나는 왜 그런 복이 없는 걸까.
나보다 외모도 몸매도 빠지는 저분은 도대체 나에게 없는 어떤 매력과 장점이 있는 걸까..

그리고 언제까지 나는 이런 생각을 하면서 살까. 상황을 바꾸던지.. 아니면 포기하고 무뎌지던지.. 해야 할텐데.
그래도 솔직히 아직도 난 잘 모르겠다.   나의 어떤 점이 부족해서,. 저런 사랑을 받지 못했던 걸까.

부럽다.

어떤 날은 웃고,

어떤 날은 마음이 저리고.

어떤 날은 따뜻하고,

어떤 날은 그립다..

어떤 날은 슬프고,

어떤 날은 무섭고.

어떤 날은 아무렇지도 않지만,

어떤 날은 운다...

친구가 어떻느냐고 물어봐서.. 내가 어떤지 생각해봤고...  대답했다.

완전히 눕지도 않고 서지도 않은..  한 45도정도로 서있는 오뚜기가 있다면.. 어떨거 같아?
난 서고 싶긴한데 설수 있는 상황은 아니고...  쓰러지긴 싫은데 땅은 날 자꾸 끌어당겨서,
한순간이라도 안간힘을 쓰지 않으면 바로 쓰러질것만 같은...  그런 기분이야. 항상.

그런데 이런말을 하면 친구들은 어떤말을 해야할지 너무 난감해하고 미안해해서,
그냥 또 웃고 장난을 치고. 그리고 돌아오면서 혼자 말을 했다.

이렇게 혼자서 버티고 있기가 너무 고달파. 쓰러지면 안된다고 생각하는데 가끔은 그냥 다 놓고 편하게 쓰러져버릴까
생각도 해.. 누가 잡아줬으면...  기댈수 있게 옆에 있어줬으면...
그런데 조금이라도 흔들리면, 의지하다 잘못되면 더 많이 쓰러질까봐...  그게 너무 두려워.

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그래서 더, 아무것도 느끼지 않으려고 바쁘게사는데, 가끔은 몸이 못버텨서 아프게 돼.
오늘도 아픈거 보여주기 싫어서 서현일 보내고 혼자 집에 앉아서 하늘을 봤는데......

세상에 정말 많은 색깔이 있구나...  정말 소리도 여러가지 소리가 들리는구나...  참 신기하다.

하고 싶었는데 하지 못한 말들.
보고 싶었는데 보지 못한 사람들.
내맘처럼 알아주지 않아서 속상하던 일들.
정말 아껴주고 싶었는데 잘해주지 못해서 미안한 사람들.

그런것들이 너무 슬프고 마음아파.  마음에 방탄조끼 같은거 있으면 입혀서, 아무것도 못느끼게...  하고 싶어.
사랑하지도 말고, 상처받지도 말고.
행복하지도 말고, 슬퍼하지도 말고.
외로와하지도 말고, 두려워하지도 말고.

내마음 보이지 말고, 다른 사람 마음을 보지도 말고...............  더 다치게될까봐 난 너무 무서워.

그만 둬 버리자.  놓아버리기 아깝게 달콤한 향기를 풍기더라도..

조금 달콤하지만, 아주 많이 쓰디 쓴 끝맛이라면 더 맛보고 싶지 않으니까.

겁쟁이라고 말하겠지만..  바보라고 하겠지만..

더 아프고 싶지 않은 걸 어떻게 해.  이악물고 견디는 것도 더 못하겠는데 어떻게 해..

Some sentences hit my mind..

*  ' Heart is like a Lake. If it has wave, then cann't see exactly what is inside. '

*  ' Yesterday is a history.
     Tomorrow  is a mystery.
     Today is a gift.  That's why we call it as Present. '

*  ' There is no Accident. '

지치고 힘이 드는 날..

점심저녁을 거른채로 새벽2시까지 일을하고, 그때부터 열이 나는 서현이를 닦아주면서

새벽이 와버렸다. 온몸이 뜨거운 서현이를 보면서 일을 하러 갈 생각을 하니 아무리 낙관적인 나라도

짜증이 났다.

시간은 또 하루하루.. 이런저런 일들을 겪게하고.. 이런저런 사람들을 만나게 하면서

나를 웃게도 하고, 울게도 하고..

그냥 아무런 걱정도 생각도 없이 편하게 기대고 싶은 하루.. 내겐 그럴수 있는 사람이 있을 수 없다는 걸

또 한번 깨닫게 하는 하루.

오늘은 이렇게 그냥 살자. 힘들고 피곤한 채로.

좋은 날.. 편안한 날.. 있을 수 있겠지..

The scenary around my office is something not ordinary these days - it's crowded by people and candles.
I used to attend those insistences, but this time I just pass by them in a hurry to bring Seaana to home,
or when I end up late around midnight I sometimes got hit by the water hose that police shot to people there randomly.
It's just.. little compliacted for me to see these things ..

At first, president Lee suddenly made a deal with such a silly condition (it's actually with "no" condition) and
it was the Livestock farmers who was upset, and they started to request some measures for them.
Lee's answer was so simple and foolish - he said "the imported beef would be cheaper than ours, so you could just
raise the price then rich people (who cares their healthy) will buy ours, and poor people will buy the imported one.
that's the rule of the Market".

But his comment made people angry (as it means, poor people have no choice for their health), so the citizen started to be gathered. Then Lee provided the 2nd comment for them - saying, it must be a manipulation of opposite parties, otherwise only immature student or people who are ignorant of.

His comment made people get more and more angry, and he ordered to quell the demonstration by force and send official letter to school that prohibit the student's participation.
His point of view and personality is such. So to say more exactrly, people is mad about him, rather than the beef itself.

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But for me.. I'm embarassed by People, not by Lee.  as I knew that's the kind of person he is.
There has been so many clues (bad and dirty) about him, but most people ignored those things and just believed
him as a savior of Korea so blindly. I was so diappointed and totally couldn't understand them, but he did win overwhelmingly.

His approval rating was over 60%, and it's now around 20%, decreased by 40% only after 3 months.. How could it be ?
People says they couldn't imagine that he would do such thing, but it was so obvious for me.
I hate him for sure (that time when it was hard to speak out that I don't like him, I was the one who did it),
but now I don't understand Korean, more than Lee.  What did they expect from such a man ?

No matter what they say, it was themselves that elected him as their President, ignoring ALL important informations
that predicted this situation very clearly. 

... Candle cannot fix/change any thing.  It's the "vote" that has those power, which they spent out in wrong way.
 

Taekwon_1

That above is the photo of "Angel wearing a Taekwondo cloth". And below is her very 1st Taekwondo contest
which was 1 month ago already. I don't have video clip, but she smashed a pine board as well, which suprised me.

And now she got one more new specialty - Playing Violin.
It's only 2 months for her to get violin lesson at her school, and she never get additional lesson except that.
However, I was surprising to see her play. She told me she's the number one. ^_^;

There is a Diary H/W everyday, and one day she wrote - "I usually sleep at mommy's house but slept at daddy's
house last night".  I told her to change it as "I slept at grandma's house last night", as I was afraid that
her classmate would make a fool of her. I lied to her, and now I'm making her to lie.   .. It hurts me.

Someone said it's nonsense but, I should believe the "Power of Love" would exist and be effective on my angel,
so that she would be fine even though her mom does those kind of bad thing to her..

I've been working hard for past several weeks even on the weekend. Things were busy during day time,
and should have taken care of Seaana at night (there are too many things to do here - H/W, Preparation, exam
- for 7 year old kid), and worked again till 1~2am. Sometimes I got sick, sometimes felt better.
Meanwhile, Spring was passing by already..

And sometimes, I met a friend of my University days (most of them were dumped by me that time and have
lost contact for many years). Not sure how they got to know, but it seems to be true that bad news travel fast.
I was glad to see them again, but it was not funny to me when they wanted to hear what happened, and looked at me
with pitiful expression. Some of them got married, some not. Mostly they wanted to see me again, but I didn't
feel comfortable with them. at least for now.

Cheongye_1

One night, after say goodbye with my friend who became a lawyer, I could have time to take a walk on the stream
around my office, there was a Lantern Festival held for Buddha's birthday.
He told me I'm still immature and I thought it's true. But still not sure what's wrong with me..

Cheongye_2

Cheongye_3

Maybe, that (I'm not sure what's wrong) is the perfect clue of that (I'm still immature).
But I had a hardtime to accept the fact that I failed on the most precious goal I've had, and now..
I'm just trying to admit that - we all do well for some specific parts, and not for some other parts.
And in some ways, everything that "I don't have", is just a different side of that "I have".

... I often feel alone, but it's because I'm strong enough to try to overcome by myself.
... I'm always pushed for time, but it's because I have my work and angel to take care of.

So.. if I say I was not good at "that part".. but I'm still good at some other parts.. then, would it be too funny..?

Seaana learned Wedding-march today at her piano lesson, and was excercising it.
She seemed to be excited to learn it, so kept asking me to act like a Bride while she was playing piano
though I refused saying there is no Groom.. And then, she said she would bring dad then.

It's an amazing coincidence, as actually today is the Wedding anniversary date. The first one, since last year.
I kept receiving several msg/sms from telecom company, insurace company, etc..during day time.
And again, Seaana is making me hear the Wedding-march at home now.  :-)

It's a very fulfilling day of "Too much" celebration from everywhere..